Breaking The Silence
. What is fear? Why does it make people hesitant? I have a habit of bottling up my fears. I realize that this is bad to do, but I’ve been tried to
search for the root of it and nothing comes to my mind. All I can say is that
I was a shy child. All of my thoughts were trapped in my head and could not
find its way out. My Mind was like a maze that could not reach its end. I
wanted to talk, but I was too afraid. Being shy is something that I have
struggled with most of my life and it was a struggle that was hard to overcome.
It all started when I was just starting elementary
school. Everyone knows that anxious, nervous feeling people get when they start
a new chapter in life. I was young, the world was right in front of me but I
never quite knew how to approach it. My hands were shaking as I walked into
this unfamiliar room, with unfamiliar faces. It was kindergarten. I understand
that it is normal to be shy at this age, on your first day. The days rolled by
and I remained silent. I felt like I physically was unable to speak, but that was
not the case. Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months, still no
change.
The Months soon turned into years. I always had thought
that something had to be wrong with me. Am I normal? Why is everyone else able
to have a conversation, while im running away? At times, it seemed like I
didn’t fit in. It was like I was stuck at a crossroad and did not know which
way to turn. Classmates thought I had a disability, I was considered the mute
classmate. No one understood me. Whenever I needed to cough or sneeze they
seemed shocked, like they didn’t know I was capable of making sounds. I
remember the reactions. A classmate said “she said something, she talked!”
Others would try to make me say something to them, but I just slumped in my
chair and ignored all the talking. Im sure everyone was curious about me. I was
the weird one. People treated me like I was on display.
After a few years, I could tell that I needed to do something about this.. My class work was mediocre and my report cards always said “No Class
Participation”. Obviously this was a problem. I transformed into a completely
different person when I was home compared to school. I wouldn't shut up. I
would enter rooms doing cartwheels being very lively and chatting up a storm.
After third grade ended, my parents thought it would be
best if I started fresh at a new school.
I was scared and didn't want to go but I felt like a disappointment and
wanted to make a change for myself. It
was a new place with new people. Nobody knew that I didn't talk in my previous
school.
On the first day, all the students were lined up outside,
waiting to enter the building. My mom walked me over to the line where my class
was waiting and said goodbye. There was a girl standing in front of me that
turned around and said hello. I looked at her as she was smiling at me. I took
a deep breath and said hi back. This was the start of something new. Days
started becoming easier for me. I had made a lot of friends. I enjoyed talking,
and at points my friends couldn’t get me to stop.
I got involved in band and developed a love for singing
in fifth grade chorus. It was an amazing feeling being able to use my voice to
tell a story musically. The moment came
where I had to speak in front of my whole elementary school class. How did I
get myself into this, I asked myself constantly. I had won best essay for an
anti drug program called DARE. The winner got to read their essays in front of
everyone. My heart was bounding like beating drums. My palms were sweaty and I
felt shaky. My named was called and I hid myself behind the podium. I took a
deep breath and began speaking. What started as a tiny whisper grew into a
powerful voice as I began to feel more comfortable speaking. I felt
accomplished and unafraid until Middle school came along.
Worlds have collided. In
middle school, every elementary school in the district comes together as one
for middle school and high school. This was a tough moment for me. I would be seeing all the people I never
talked to and all my new friends that I did talk to, all at the same place.
This was a stressful experience.
People remembered me and the questions and comments
began. “You are that girl who didn’t
talk”. “Why didn’t you speak”? “Omg you can speak”!
“Yep, that was me. I’m
sorry I don’t have an answer for you I guess I was just shy, I responded every
time. It was irritating at times and it made me feel like I was an automated
answering machine. “Sorry I cannot take your call right now I’m too shy”.
Yes, the comments were
annoying but they eventually died down. Once I got to seventh grade it was pretty
much old news until I decided to sing at the school talent show with my friend.
I had never sung in front of people practically by myself before, before but it
was comforting to know that someone was singing with me. I wasn't alone.
High school came along
and chorus was became a major part of my life. I got actively involved in many
things including trying out for a select choir group that only few get accepted
to be in. I was in select choir all four years of high school.
I had really come out of my shell but I still felt
restricted. Every year my high school had a talent show and a school musical. I
would show up to the auditions and watch as everyone performed. Feeling scared,
I backed out last minute every single time. Inside I felt disappointed in
myself. I want to do this, I kept
telling myself. Senior year I gathered up all the courage I had and tried out
and received a part for the musical The Wedding Singer. It was exhilarating and became one of my best
memories of my schooling experience. I felt involved and became part of a
family.
There was no stopping
here. I had one more thing to do before I graduated. I had to enter the talent
show, solo. This was my time to shine. I stood in the spotlight all alone with
all eyes on me. As I stared out at the audiences faces I smiled. I had found my
voice, my means of expressing myself. I released all my nerves and sang my
heart out.
